What Does Being a Real Adult Mean?

Weeks passed, and the little Rabbit grew very old and shabby, but the Boy loved him just as much. He loved him so hard that he loved all his whiskers off, and the pink lining to his ears turned grey, and his brown spots faded. He even began to lose his shape, and he scarcely looked like a rabbit any more, except to the Boy.
-The Velveteen Rabbit

Is the Conventional Idea of a Real Adult Accurate?

What does being a real adult mean? Most people would probably say real adulting is being able to take care of yourself. Meeting your own needs, doing things independently, and solving problems yourself. It’s true that all of these are what we expect of adults. So why do some of us still walk around feeling like we’re not real adults?


Being a real adult is more than the practical of being able to feed, clothe, and shelter yourself or solve problems independently.

A real adult has four characteristics:

-emotional regulation

-self-compassion

-clear boundaries with themselves and others

-a sense of self-worth/feeling good enough

Let’s focus on the last one. Self-worth. In my own experience, having multiple degrees, living independently, and solving most issues on my own did not make me feel like a real adult. I had been through trauma, but I didn’t expect that it would affect my ability to be a functional adult. I felt stuck at the age I was when I experienced trauma. It was embarrassing, and I tried my best to hide it.

I felt stuck at this younger age not just because of the developmental milestones I wasn’t reaching because I was trying to survive. I felt stuck at this younger age for another reason too. Buried deeply underneath the feeling of not being a real adult was actually a feeling of not being good enough. Whatever I pursued externally was never enough to make me feel worthy internally. I had almost no self-worth. Until I was more successful at adulting and less broken, I wasn’t worthy.

Self-Worth and The Velveteen Rabbit

Self-worth is a belief that you have value just as you are and that you’re worthy of love and belonging.

In the story of The Velveteen Rabbit, he longs to become real. Being filled with stuffing instead of sinew, muscle, and bones made the Velveteen Rabbit feel not good enough to be loved and accepted. He thought he had to exist in a certain way, in a certain form, to matter, to the other toys and especially to the Boy.

Long ago in childhood I got the message that I wasn’t good enough as I was. Even well into adulthood with achievements and independence, I was still a shabby tattered stuffed bunny trying to be as good as a real rabbit.

Childhood trauma robs us of a sense of self-worth. We don’t believe we’re good enough as we are and constantly search externally for what or who will make us feel good enough. Not feeling good enough results in deep shame for our very existence. Childhood trauma survivors will hide their imperfections like their lives depend on it because they think it does. Love is conditional on being good enough. Even in adulthood, the trauma in the distant past, our brains still work like we’re the scared, helpless child, scrambling to be good enough.

How to Build Self-Worth

How do you start to feel like you’re worth something? To yourself? To anyone else? Building a sense of self-worth sounds daunting! But it doesn’t have to be. First, don’t think of it like a task you need to complete in order not to hurt anymore or to feel like a real adult. Doing this work is being a real adult.

Start exploring these ideas, perhaps in a journal:


-What does it mean to me to be a real adult?


-What are my metrics for being good enough? 


-What would my life look like if I were good enough? For me? For others?

-What’s one small way that I can start making myself feel good enough? Perhaps a smile in the mirror every morning. A letter to your younger self the first time you remember feeling not good enough. Whatever feels doable and safe for you.

Be gentle with yourself. Building self-worth doesn’t happen overnight and is not linear. You are good enough now. As you are. As you were then.

Leave a comment or just reply with a bunny emoji if you are working on becoming real.