Getting in Trouble Like an Adult
The Big Bad Boss
Work is one place where childhood trauma can get activated. I used to be constantly on edge at work, waiting for my employer to explode. Getting an email or summons to the office flooded me with fear. My brain immediately began coming up with ten ways to placate my boss. Maybe they could dock my pay. What if I worked overtime? I’d practically offer to sell my kidney for being three minutes late or for making a small, barely noticeable error. Childhood trauma survivors people-please, well, like it’s their job!
I thought that I was just anxious. While I knew that most people likely didn’t have such extreme reactions to the possibility of getting in trouble, I didn’t understand that my responses were trauma-related. I’d internalized that I was incompetent, stupid, and bad a long time ago, so I was usually just waiting for someone to discover it. I hoped that if I were extremely apologetic and contrite, they’d have mercy on me and not punish me as severely.
Our Bodies Remember
I didn’t realize that the interactions I had with authority, in this case employers, felt the same to my body as my childhood experiences. My body was reacting the same way it did when I was a kid and I heard the roar of my name traveling up the stairs or the sudden explosion of anger behind me as I did a chore because I was doing it wrong.
Of course I knew intellectually that my boss was not my family member, and that I was no longer a child. But physiologically I didn’t. My heart would beat fast. My face would get hot. My eyes would dart around, almost was if I were looking for something safe to attach to. I felt the need to hunch and make myself smaller. My body was bracing itself for withstanding someone else’s rage.
What does your body do when you sense the threat of getting in trouble?
Our Minds React
It didn’t stop at physical reactions. When I was worried I was about to get in trouble at work, my mind got right to work berating me. “You’re going to get fired. You’re incompetent and stupid. Why do you even try? You can’t do anything right.”
Does this sound familiar? Do you verbally beat yourself up when you’re scared of getting in trouble?
Even as adults we often behave the same way we did as children unless we become conscious and work to change. This is part of becoming a real adult.
How to Stop Feeling Like a Little Kid Getting in Trouble
I chose work as an example, but any situation where you notice you’re scared of getting in trouble is applicable.
Breathe first. It gets said a lot, but breathing really is important for slowing down your racing thoughts and coming back to emotional regulation. Then, imagine yourself stepping back to gather data about the other person.
Does this person typically interact with you in an angry way?
Have they ever yelled at you before?
Have they ever indicated they want to punish you or threatened your safety?
Do they shut down questions when you need clarification?
Likely the answers are no because this person is not your original abuser or unsafe caregiver.
Say to yourself: I am here in my adult life where I am safe.
I do not get in trouble like a child.
I can fix any mistake I make; I do not need to do more than is necessary.
No mistake is so big that I’ll become unlovable or get abandoned.
What About When I Actually AM in Trouble?
First of all, adults don’t “get in trouble.” They make mistakes and deal with the consequences. It helps to shift your thinking from “I am in trouble, therefore I am bad,” to “I am a human who made an error. I will do what I can to correct it; my worth is not tied to my mistakes.”
Still, you may wonder about the times when you have actually made a mistake. What do you do then?
Start by saying simply, and without over-explaining, that you are sorry this happened. Assure the other person that you are committed to fixing your role in it. That’s it.
It may be tempting once you realize you’re not in danger to beat yourself up for being neurotic. You weren’t being neurotic, though. There is no shame in doing what you know how to do to keep yourself safe. Being hard on yourself was a way to protect yourself, keeping vigilant against threats. Now you know new ways to keep yourself safe in a more adult, kinder way.
It may also be habit to not trust that you’re out of the woods even once you’ve apologized and fixed the mistake. You may feel compelled to fawn for a while after, thanking the other person for forgiving you, showing them what a good job you’re doing on new projects, however fawning manifests for you.
Notice your impulse to do this. This is your inner child searching for reassurance they’re lovable and safe. Instead of seeking this from your boss or whoever it is, it’s your job to reassure your inner child: I will never abandon you no matter what you do. You’re safe now.
Start thinking of small ways you can make that inner child feel safe. What made you feel safe as a kid? Maybe you felt safe with an extra blanket at night. Or the hour of coloring you did in art class. Those small things met your inner child’s need for safety. Suggest some ideas in the comments!