Being a Real Adult Means Choosing Yourself First

Putting Myself First? You’re Kidding, Right?!

I had to step back recently from something that wasn’t serving me anymore. Disappointing other people was so hard that I immediately wanted to backpedal on my choice. For many of us with childhood trauma, making changes that serve us and not other people feels very unsafe. We’re conditioned to make choices to avoid angering or displeasing other people. Making choices that put us first is antithetical to who we are as childhood trauma survivors.

What if people get mad at us? What if they experience discomfort, inconvenience, or disappointment because of our choices? If I am not suffering at 100%, how can I justify disappointing someone else? What if they interrogate us, refuse to accept our reasons for our choices, or try to bully or manipulate us out of our choice?

Guilt For Choosing Ourselves

The origin of our guilt and tendency to people-please is believing we aren’t allowed to choose things for our own benefit.

When my mom was dying and even afterward, I sometimes didn’t want to do my homework. It wasn’t as if I were crying so hysterically that I couldn’t hold my pen. I just didn’t want to do my work. I was angry, and geometry was BS. I felt like only if I were immobilized by tears was I allowed to give myself a break and even then I felt enormous guilt and embarrassment, as if I were using my trauma as a crutch when really I was just lazy. Her death was weeks ago, I’d think. What is my problem?

I did the same thing in this current situation. Self-gaslighting. “You are not that depressed. You could try harder to make this work.” But the fact was my emotional health was declining precipitously. I was going to bed early and struggling to get up in the morning. I was physically and emotionally exhausted all the time. Even though I was really good at masking, I felt sad and alone inside. I neglected essential self-care in favor of more sleep, screen time, and food. It was a bit like being a functioning alcoholic. I wasn’t lying-in-bed-all-day depressed, but I was depressed. A functioning depressive.

The only answer I could come up with when I asked myself why I should make this situation work is I didn’t want people to be disappointed. I knew that wasn’t a good enough reason.

Becoming your real adult self often means being brave enough to choose yourself. It doesn’t matter if the situation isn’t terrible or traumatic. You’re still allowed to leave because it’s not serving you anymore.

5 Questions to Ground Yourself

In this case, I was pretty sure that no one would lash out at me, though the fear still came up momentarily. To ground myself in my real adult self, I asked myself a few questions:

1. Was I causing real harm to others with my choice?

2. Would my emotional state decline further if I continued in the situation?

3. Are other adults adaptive, even to things they don’t choose or prefer?

4. Was I as kind and transparent as I could be in my stepping back?

5. Is this situation aligned with my path in life?

The answers to these questions gave me clarity. While I wished I could give the other people what they wanted and give myself what I needed, I couldn’t do both. There are times when you will hurt people, but it’s still necessary to leave situations. This is incredibly painful, so extra care should be taken.

Final Note: Don’t expect the others in the situation to take care of you emotionally as you’re disappointing them. They’re entitled to their feelings.

How Does a Real Adult Date?

How does a real adult date?

I used to act a part on dates. The part of “Real Adult Who Dates, Is Fabulous, and Definitely Has No Trauma.” I still felt like a wounded child inside, but I was sure that I could hide my childhood trauma if I had the sexiest nail polish color or applied my makeup perfectly. If my outfit showed off an appealing figure or my earrings were stunning, Guy Who Asked Me Out for a Cup of Coffee wouldn’t notice that I was messy inside.

I was terrified of what would happen once I told Coffee Guy about my past. Connecting on any serious emotional level was unsafe. I would not let a guy in only for him to conclude that of course I was too much once he saw how big my wounds were.

Signs Your Childhood Trauma Shows Up in Your Dating Life

You may jump right to physical intimacy to please the other person, freak out in shame, and ghost. You may hide parts of yourself or dump all your baggage on the date at once, looking for assurance he’ll accept you. You may avoid physical intimacy or feel unsure if you want that. Is it safe to hold his hand or let him kiss you?

You may need constant reassurance he likes you, even if he has communicated he does. You may feel an urge to cling or to run away at the first sign of trouble.

Maybe you have to drink or get high to be relaxed enough to hook up. It’s okay if you’re a person who won’t refuse anyone who shows interest in you, even if you don’t really like him.

Not getting the proper attunement and attachment in childhood will screw up the way you approach romantic relationships. You may feel ashamed, like you’re different from your peers. You are different because their childhoods weren’t filled with trauma. It doesn’t mean, though, that you too can’t be a real adult in an adult romantic relationship.

Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries!

Here’s how I started to be a real adult in romantic relationships: I started making small decisions that felt safe but stretched my window of tolerance.

I figured out what my boundaries were regarding:
-physical intimacy
-paying for meals, other activities on dates
-sharing my story
-opening up about my dreams for the future and my current life

*A note about physical intimacy: you can change your mind AT ANY TIME. It does not matter how long the relationship has been going on or if you’ve agreed to and enjoyed something before.

Talking About Your Trauma with Your Romantic Interest

Sharing your story of trauma can be the most fraught part of dating. Figure out what your boundary is around sharing your story. As you get to know a romantic interest, you get to determine the pace at which you share more. It does not have to be something you control and plan; the point is to think about your boundaries so that you don’t trigger yourself or emotionally dump on him. You can share pieces at a time; whatever amount feels safe for you. A partner who respects you will not press you for information. It can be scary to eventually reveal everything because you may be afraid of him running away. In actuality, sharing in increments can prevent this. At the same time that you’re learning other things about each other, sharing other experiences, you can share about your past. Mixed in with other things, it’s often not as overwhelming for the person receiving it as it would be if you shared it all at once. They can see a full human in front of them who laughs and gets curious and cares instead of one big trauma.

Do not conflate sharing your trauma with emotional intimacy, though. Just because someone is empathetic and listens to you does not mean you’ve created an emotional connection. Real emotional intimacy happens in the moments you have together.

Go as slowly as you need. Something vague to start, such as, “I have some past challenges I’m working on that make me have a harder time than others with getting close.” It’s brave and even vulnerable to share that getting close is a challenge.

The point of sharing your story should also not be for the other person to heal your wound through their love. Even if they want to, they can’t. Their love will never be enough.

Final Thoughts

You don’t have to meet the right person tomorrow and share your life story at the perfect pace. There is no perfect. You are learning a new skill– connecting authentically and romantically with someone. This takes time. You are brave for venturing out to meet someone

How Does Noticing Shame Make You a Real Adult?

Even Warthogs Feel Shame

One of the first things that pops into my head when I hear the word “shame” is Pumbaa from The Lion King lamenting, “Oh the shame! Thought of changin’ my name!”

A lot of us who carry deep shame from childhood trauma have probably also considered changing our names or inventing a new life somewhere else with plucky sidekicks. Because if no one knows our story, maybe we won’t be so ashamed of who we are or what we did to survive. If only it were as easy as changing your name, running away, or adopting the Hakuna Matata philosophy.

Why is it necessary to confront shame in order to be a real adult?

Shame keeps our world small and lonely. We struggle to engage in the world and with others. You may be existing, but are you really living when shame has such a grip on you? Without examining and releasing your shame, it will be impossible to be a real adult who can emotionally regulate, have self-compassion, stick to your boundaries, and have strong self-worth. Shame will get in the way every time.

Identifying Shame

Many of us bury our shame so deeply we don’t even recognize that’s what it is. The longer you live with shame and develop defenses, the more toxic it becomes and the less conscious you are of how it manifests.

Shame will show up in your head, your body, and your behavior. It will be the most obvious in your body, and that’s where it will begin. A sensation in the body will activate the thoughts and behavior. Shame is physiological. Our bodies are telling us, “Uh oh. I have done something that threatens my membership to the group. I have to fix it to belong and stay safe.” Long ago we needed a tribe to physically survive; we still need community to survive psychologically. Being socially outcast in any form either by community (family, friends, society, etc.) will induce severe shame. Any time we’re reminded of that in a similar but not identical incident, our bodies will remember the original shame and react accordingly.

Here’s what to look for to identify if you’re feeling shame:

Bodily sensations: trouble taking deep breaths, feeling immobilized/frozen, inability to make eye contact

Behavior: blaming, numbing out/distracting self, isolating/withdrawing

Thoughts: self-critical; negative; black and white thinking that gets progressively worse; bringing out the laundry list of every shameful things you’ve said, done, or experienced

Get Curious About Your Thoughts

Most trauma survivors exist primarily in their heads. Tolerating being in the body is too much initially. If this sounds like you, try getting curious about your thoughts when you experience a small shame episode. When the shame is from something small, it is easier to step back and become an observer of your thoughts. Write down the thoughts that come up. Is there a theme to your thoughts? What else do you notice about the content of your thoughts? The sentence structure or tone? Perhaps each sentence starts with “I.” The tone might be angry or hopeless. Practice this a few times over the course of a week, and see what you notice about your thoughts in response to shame.

That’s all you have to do right now. Notice. Get adept at identifying when you’re experiencing shame and what thoughts come up.

Getting in Trouble Like an Adult

The Big Bad Boss

Work is one place where childhood trauma can get activated. I used to be constantly on edge at work, waiting for my employer to explode. Getting an email or summons to the office flooded me with fear. My brain immediately began coming up with ten ways to placate my boss. Maybe they could dock my pay. What if I worked overtime? I’d practically offer to sell my kidney for being three minutes late or for making a small, barely noticeable error. Childhood trauma survivors people-please, well, like it’s their job!

I thought that I was just anxious. While I knew that most people likely didn’t have such extreme reactions to the possibility of getting in trouble, I didn’t understand that my responses were trauma-related. I’d internalized that I was incompetent, stupid, and bad a long time ago, so I was usually just waiting for someone to discover it. I hoped that if I were extremely apologetic and contrite, they’d have mercy on me and not punish me as severely.

Our Bodies Remember

I didn’t realize that the interactions I had with authority, in this case employers, felt the same to my body as my childhood experiences. My body was reacting the same way it did when I was a kid and I heard the roar of my name traveling up the stairs or the sudden explosion of anger behind me as I did a chore because I was doing it wrong.

Of course I knew intellectually that my boss was not my family member, and that I was no longer a child. But physiologically I didn’t. My heart would beat fast. My face would get hot. My eyes would dart around, almost was if I were looking for something safe to attach to. I felt the need to hunch and make myself smaller. My body was bracing itself for withstanding someone else’s rage.

What does your body do when you sense the threat of getting in trouble?

Our Minds React

It didn’t stop at physical reactions. When I was worried I was about to get in trouble at work, my mind got right to work berating me. “You’re going to get fired. You’re incompetent and stupid. Why do you even try? You can’t do anything right.”

Does this sound familiar? Do you verbally beat yourself up when you’re scared of getting in trouble?

Even as adults we often behave the same way we did as children unless we become conscious and work to change. This is part of becoming a real adult.

How to Stop Feeling Like a Little Kid Getting in Trouble

I chose work as an example, but any situation where you notice you’re scared of getting in trouble is applicable.

Breathe first. It gets said a lot, but breathing really is important for slowing down your racing thoughts and coming back to emotional regulation. Then, imagine yourself stepping back to gather data about the other person.

• Does this person typically interact with you in an angry way?

• Have they ever yelled at you before?

• Have they ever indicated they want to punish you or threatened your safety?

• Do they shut down questions when you need clarification?

Likely the answers are no because this person is not your original abuser or unsafe caregiver.

Say to yourself: I am here in my adult life where I am safe.

I do not get in trouble like a child.

I can fix any mistake I make; I do not need to do more than is necessary.

No mistake is so big that I’ll become unlovable or get abandoned.

What About When I Actually AM in Trouble?

First of all, adults don’t “get in trouble.” They make mistakes and deal with the consequences. It helps to shift your thinking from “I am in trouble, therefore I am bad,” to “I am a human who made an error. I will do what I can to correct it; my worth is not tied to my mistakes.”

Still, you may wonder about the times when you have actually made a mistake. What do you do then?

Start by saying simply, and without over-explaining, that you are sorry this happened. Assure the other person that you are committed to fixing your role in it. That’s it.

It may be tempting once you realize you’re not in danger to beat yourself up for being neurotic. You weren’t being neurotic, though. There is no shame in doing what you know how to do to keep yourself safe. Being hard on yourself was a way to protect yourself, keeping vigilant against threats. Now you know new ways to keep yourself safe in a more adult, kinder way.

It may also be habit to not trust that you’re out of the woods even once you’ve apologized and fixed the mistake. You may feel compelled to fawn for a while after, thanking the other person for forgiving you, showing them what a good job you’re doing on new projects, however fawning manifests for you.

Notice your impulse to do this. This is your inner child searching for reassurance they’re lovable and safe. Instead of seeking this from your boss or whoever it is, it’s your job to reassure your inner child: I will never abandon you no matter what you do. You’re safe now.

Start thinking of small ways you can make that inner child feel safe. What made you feel safe as a kid? Maybe you felt safe with an extra blanket at night. Or the hour of coloring you did in art class. Those small things met your inner child’s need for safety. Suggest some ideas in the comments!

What Does Being a Real Adult Mean?

Weeks passed, and the little Rabbit grew very old and shabby, but the Boy loved him just as much. He loved him so hard that he loved all his whiskers off, and the pink lining to his ears turned grey, and his brown spots faded. He even began to lose his shape, and he scarcely looked like a rabbit any more, except to the Boy.
-The Velveteen Rabbit

Is the Conventional Idea of a Real Adult Accurate?

What does being a real adult mean? Most people would probably say real adulting is being able to take care of yourself. Meeting your own needs, doing things independently, and solving problems yourself. It’s true that all of these are what we expect of adults. So why do some of us still walk around feeling like we’re not real adults?


Being a real adult is more than the practical of being able to feed, clothe, and shelter yourself or solve problems independently.

A real adult has four characteristics:

-emotional regulation

-self-compassion

-clear boundaries with themselves and others

-a sense of self-worth/feeling good enough

Let’s focus on the last one. Self-worth. In my own experience, having multiple degrees, living independently, and solving most issues on my own did not make me feel like a real adult. I had been through trauma, but I didn’t expect that it would affect my ability to be a functional adult. I felt stuck at the age I was when I experienced trauma. It was embarrassing, and I tried my best to hide it.

I felt stuck at this younger age not just because of the developmental milestones I wasn’t reaching because I was trying to survive. I felt stuck at this younger age for another reason too. Buried deeply underneath the feeling of not being a real adult was actually a feeling of not being good enough. Whatever I pursued externally was never enough to make me feel worthy internally. I had almost no self-worth. Until I was more successful at adulting and less broken, I wasn’t worthy.

Self-Worth and The Velveteen Rabbit

Self-worth is a belief that you have value just as you are and that you’re worthy of love and belonging.

In the story of The Velveteen Rabbit, he longs to become real. Being filled with stuffing instead of sinew, muscle, and bones made the Velveteen Rabbit feel not good enough to be loved and accepted. He thought he had to exist in a certain way, in a certain form, to matter, to the other toys and especially to the Boy.

Long ago in childhood I got the message that I wasn’t good enough as I was. Even well into adulthood with achievements and independence, I was still a shabby tattered stuffed bunny trying to be as good as a real rabbit.

Childhood trauma robs us of a sense of self-worth. We don’t believe we’re good enough as we are and constantly search externally for what or who will make us feel good enough. Not feeling good enough results in deep shame for our very existence. Childhood trauma survivors will hide their imperfections like their lives depend on it because they think it does. Love is conditional on being good enough. Even in adulthood, the trauma in the distant past, our brains still work like we’re the scared, helpless child, scrambling to be good enough.

How to Build Self-Worth

How do you start to feel like you’re worth something? To yourself? To anyone else? Building a sense of self-worth sounds daunting! But it doesn’t have to be. First, don’t think of it like a task you need to complete in order not to hurt anymore or to feel like a real adult. Doing this work is being a real adult.

Start exploring these ideas, perhaps in a journal:


-What does it mean to me to be a real adult?


-What are my metrics for being good enough? 


-What would my life look like if I were good enough? For me? For others?

-What’s one small way that I can start making myself feel good enough? Perhaps a smile in the mirror every morning. A letter to your younger self the first time you remember feeling not good enough. Whatever feels doable and safe for you.

Be gentle with yourself. Building self-worth doesn’t happen overnight and is not linear. You are good enough now. As you are. As you were then.

Leave a comment or just reply with a bunny emoji if you are working on becoming real.

Chronic Anxiety from Negative Thoughts

Right before my thirtieth birthday, I quit my career, partly to avoid getting fired and partly because I sucked at it. I had no boyfriend, close friends, or even a pet goldfish. My life felt like swimming in wet cement. The little progress I made was hard-fought, and ultimately I sank every time. What was wrong with me? How could I fix it? I was a failure who wasn’t good at anything. I kept trying to find the thing that would make me whole, that would tape me back together. I was getting tired of mending myself.

I lost one of my parents when I was a kid, and it was a stain that wouldn’t wash out no matter what I did. I tried to get out of my pain by helping other people, moving away from home, and talking in therapy, but still something in me could not thrive. I shuffled around the truths I had no vocabulary to communicate, the things I was sure were too awful for even a therapist not to censure. Eventually, I successfully repressed them, no longer recalling the trauma again and again.

Anxiety was the residue that glinted on the surface above the trauma. Everything made me anxious. Being around people. Going anywhere. Doing anything but stuffing my face with pizza and alcohol in front of the TV made my thoughts race and my heart beat like a hummingbird.

What I felt I needed was accountability, someone to help me tease out what I wanted to do with my life and hold me accountable to make those things happen. If I made progress, I wouldn’t feel so crappy about myself anymore. After bumbling along by myself for a few years, I started working with a life coach, sure that deadlines and encouragement could fix what was wrong with me. I just needed a friendly push.

I was expecting external changes, but something started changing inside as I worked with my coach. I noticed that my thinking was different, more positive, and I began questioning my beliefs about myself. Maybe I wasn’t such a piece of shit after all. The less I believed I was terrible the more confidence I had to make external changes.

I was curious about becoming a life coach myself, though I knew that if I wanted to be a successful coach, I had to do more work on myself. While deadlines and accountability were helping, I was still hiding my core wounds. The pandemic and personal upheaval left nowhere for me to hide anymore. I’d worked with my coach for a year already, and was willing to take the risk to be partially vulnerable with her. I could tear back a corner of myself and share the abridged version. The more she affirmed I had nothing to be ashamed of the more I could rip myself open. I began to believe that there wasn’t anything inherently wrong with me. All the anxiety that debilitated me was lifting. I wasn’t afraid to try things again and stick with them because I no longer had a mean voice in my head saying what an idiot I was.

My thirties have been a process of finally becoming my authentic real self. I don’t have paralyzing anxiety anymore just doing everyday things— most of the time! I’m nice to myself and believe that I deserve a happy life. Bit by bit I’m healing. Becoming real.

You can become real, too. The next time you’re overcome with anxiety because of a negative thought, ask yourself: What am I getting from being self-critical? We don’t do anything that doesn’t have a benefit for us. To protect ourselves from harm, to avoid pain, or to meet a core need like safety. So rather than spiraling down into anxiety when you have the negative thought, try your best to pause and ask yourself neutrally, What am I getting from this? This is the first step toward healing. Neutral self-interrogation of our thoughts. It’s hard, but try not to judge yourself for having the thought while you’re doing your self-interrogation. Approach with curiosity and compassion, like you would a friend who keeps having the same painful thought. It may be helpful to journal about it. Here are some journal prompts that could be helpful:

• Where did this thought come from?

• How do I feel in my body when I have this thought?

• If I were talking to a younger version of myself who was having this thought, what would I, as my adult self, say or do?

Comment and share my blog! If you’re interested in 1:1 coaching, get in touch.

Welcome to My Blog!

Welcome to my blog!

Beginnings are exciting but scary, right? We put so much pressure on ourselves to make a good first impression, to know how to succeed right away. I’m realizing that the most important thing I have to do is show up. As myself. Sharing on the internet is intimidating. Anyone can read it😱 That fact makes me want nope right off this page. But I’m here. Sharing.

To be honest, I’ve worried no one will read my blog. I’ve wondered what to say and how vulnerable to be. What will resonate with an audience and help them on their journey?

After so, so long wondering what my purpose was, I’ve found it in coaching. Figuring out how to make it successful is so freakin scary! I don’t want to fail. Nobody does! I’m learning to be okay with not having all the answers. As long as I’m open and curious (and a little tenacious 😉), I’ll be okay.

Follow my blog for inspiration, encouragement, and probably some corny jokes.